Kat has thoughts.

Well it's been a while, so I'll get you all informed about my life as it is.

I am with Kayla and as happy as a clam. I really think this is going to last an exceptionally long time. Yeah, yeah...you be cynical, but see where that gets you (no where worthwhile). We've had our arguments and differences, but they have nothing to do with anything that could potentially end us. I just have to get over the fact that I never think I'm that big of a deal to another person. It's a tragic downfall that has ruined a lot of relationships for me.

I am definitely not coming back to KSU next semester, and I am going to get my EMT basic certificate/First Response as soon as possible so that I can be on my way to my Paramedic License. I am actually exceptionally excited about it. Kayla was the one who pushed me to get information and such, and I'm grateful to her for that.

I need a job. Badly.

Oh, and a backrub.

P.S. No matter how many times I hear a Lady Gaga song, I will always love it.

Well life is progressing, much like it does whether I want it to or not. I am not sure about what I am going to do with my life. My aunt Margaret (who I admire very much, and who is - unbeknownst to her - my favorite relative), told me that I need to suck it up and get a degree. I have been wanting to drop out and go do EMT training for those not in the know. I am so lost as to what to do, but I have some great people to help me through it. I may just get a degree in Justice Studies. I enjoy the classes, and I know that I would do well in that field, no matter how conservative it is.

I still live with Trae, and I am grateful of that. He is going through a lot right now and I don't see him too much, but it makes me happy to see that he's wading through a lot of stuff and coming out on top. I think that the guy he likes is way adorable for him. He helps me through a lot of tough shit, and I can tell he'll always be there, which is a lot for an ex.

I am extremely gushy-happy with my new girlfriend. We are super compatable, and she really brings out good parts in me. She's gorgeous and athletic and smart-as-hell. She's laidback and introverted and goofy. She took me out for my 21st (which was fun as hell), and got me perfume, my favorite wine, and a gift certificate to Borders (she calls me the book worm). Sometimes I feel like she's almost too good for me, but I can genuinely tell she wants to be around me as much as I want to be around her. Plus, her mom adores me!

I can't keep my eyes open any longer, so it's sleep for me. Night folks.

My uncle Dan who passed away in April told me some words to live by:

Don't drink after midnight if you have class the next day.

Heed them well.

I am dating Kayla!!! YAY!
YAY YAY YAY!
YAY YAY!
YAY!

Alas I am as I always was...very hard to keep down. I love how whenever I think I'm going to hit a dead end of no people who like me, some little birdy shows up and says "I think that so-and-so will be great for you"...or something like that. However I am a little gun-shy at the moment, considering my recent string of luck, but I really think that this will be different.

I went to the fondue party with PRIDE and BUS, and of course I went alone...you know...cause I'm awesome like that. I was kind of down (and by kind of, I mean really really) because this girl who I thought liked me told me that I was moving too fast for her. Which I can see, definitely, because I was trying to hang out with her on the daily, which is clingy to some. However, I find it a bit hypocritical to tell me I'm moving too fast by wanting to have lunch two days in a row, but she didn't think it was moving too fast to suck face for an hour and run her hands all over me, etc.

Annnnywho, I was essentially dropped, but it was definitely for the better. However, it did make me a little down for the v-day party we had. I hung out with a bunch of people and had a good time, albeit I felt like a party pooper. Anyways, fast forward to the next day. Yana texts me and tells me that her girlfriend wants to hook me up with someone. Now, skeptical Kat was very skeptical because the last time she was hooked up, she was told she just wanted to be fucked for fun. However, I agreed.

That night I went to Rosetos and it was filled with interesting situations. I met up with Yana, her girlfriend Tiffany, and their friend Kayla. I got a little tipsy on the ride there, and the whole night was a blur of people thinking I was hot, and inappropriately hitting on me. A girl with a girlfriend danced with me and bought me a drink, another asked me to have a threesome with her and her girlfriend. Some girl I knew for a long while danced with me and hit on me...I essentially turned down a girl with a boyfriend, and I met up with a friend from long ago. All the while this poor girl was sitting with Yana and Tiffany, because I knew every person there, essentially.

Well, nearing the end of the night, I actually got the time to hang out with Kayla, and she really hit something in me that made me feel very comfortable. She came over for a bit, and then they left. She's an amazing kisser...seriously.

Yesterday we went out to a movie (The International - I don't recommend it), and then to Applebees. We talked a lot, and she makes me so happy and flustered...I think that it really will go well. I have two classes tomorrow, and then she's coming to have lunch with me!!! She reminds me a lot of Dana from The L Word. Not to mention I've been called Alice a fair few times.

Other than that, nothing has happened. Lesbians are CRAZY, and that's why I hate being single. It has nothing to do with the fact that I need someone, just the fact that looking for someone is hectic and obnoxious. Alas...

This one may be uber depressing but I have to write it somewhere. I just need to vent.

I just feel like everything is going downhill, quickly. I know I'm going to be leaving Kent by the end of this semester. At least I'm about 95% sure that it's going to happen. I will try to stay here in Kent, but I can't promise anything. I am leaving to go to EMT training because I just want to do something useful. I don't want to be in the cardboard box club anymore. I want a puzzle...everyday.

I also am tired of it all. I am tired of being used, lied to, jerked around, and told I'm amazing while backing out the door. I haven't had anyone really genuinely care for me since Trae. We're still on good terms, but he's never around anymore. It's depressing because I feel so....very....alone. It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm just not good enough. I waste my time with people who don't like me, and I ignore those who do.

Regardless of feelings, I always have people wanting sex. Sex, sex, sex. It's nice, it's wonderful...but it's so hollow. I miss kissing someone who looked at me like I was going to break into a thousand pieces if they let me go. I miss it. I don't miss any person, mind you, but I miss it. I pretend I'm having a wonderful time, and sometimes I am. However some part of me wants to pull all my hair out by the roots.

However I am going to do something I'm terrified of doing. Terrified. I am going to not look. I am going to want, sure. I will react if someone makes contact, but I am not going to make it happen anymore. I do it too often.

The problem is that I know what I want. I can tell within one or two dates if I want to be with this person. I just know what I'm after. Apparently that's forward. Apparently that "moving too fast".

I'll call you....not.
I just want to fuck and be strangers
You're moving too fast, I need to focus on school.
I have a boyfriend.

I know what I want. Why don't these broads, lol.

Ok...so I was under the impression that K. wanted me as a fuckbuddy, which I am completely okay with. Good sex, good company, no strings. But last night she sent me a text that was like "I think you like me"...to which I responded, "I like you as a person, but no more than that"...and she replied, "Just how we act sometimes worries me, I don't want anyone to like me, I can't handle it"...my retort, "I'm sorry I don't just fuck you and then act like a stranger." To which this girl replies: "But that's what I want."...

I'm sorry, but I never treat anyone like less than human, ever. Even if the only purpose of our interaction is sex, I couldn't just be like..."Ok, you're done? Bye". They're not a goddamn prostitute. Even if someone is only around for sex, I'll still hang out with them, watch a movie, talk a little. You know, like a polite fucking person. But the nice part is that at least that uncertainty isn't there anymore. I have my mind cleared for bigger and better things.

(Side note: Boy K. hasn't spoken to me since we last hung out...waste of time in my opinion, and they're too short, lol)

However, this girl that I've had a crush on for over a year now just told me she has one on me. Problem? She has a boyfriend. Ug. Well, I am not going to expect it will work out, but maybe I'll get to kiss her, lol.

I got my big kid license and my car all sorted out. I have to pay 1500$/year for insurance...so I need a job. Hardcore. And now that I have a car...I'm set.

Whatever is going on in my life needs to take form.

I'm going out to eat with my family tonight. Oh boy! Real food!

Christ on something edible....I am never more confused than when things start to make sense....*sigh*. It's kind of odd in an un-poetic sort of way. But as Emily so blatantly pointed out...I don't even know what I want. And it's true. She also told me I was British so I should scale it down a bit....also true. The world is a small and odd place. I think it particularly enjoys fucking with my head. Especially throwing people in my path that I would have least expected wanting to be in my path in any shape or form.

In other news...

Half of me feels liberated that K. is nothing more than a fuckbuddy, the other half of me feels like it's going to blow up in my face at any minute. And about 99% of me is terrified she'll utter that she has feelings...eventually. It would just complicate things excessively. Sex is delightful, but I guess I live in a society that stresses the feelings over the physical (when it really gets down to it)...which from my experience is as pointless as the visible portion of a glacier.

Boy K. is another issue entirely. And I've given up on them. I'm tired of hanging out one day, and being ignored for a week. I need more consistancy than that. And their best friend....is someone I can't stand....so I guess it's for the better...plus I don't have time to deal with that whole mess again. Only one per lifetime, thank you!

Oh, and I think that because K. was over, it ruined my chances with someone I was actually interested in for more than just fucking around. Go me...*grumble*. I mean, I don't think it's incredibly classy (no matter how true it is) to say, "Hey, I just needed sex from them, but if you'd want to go out, I would just have sex with you"....yep. Fucking classy.

Side note: Why can't we OscarWilde-it-up in this bitch! I think the world needs more aesthetics.

Well....I don't have that ladycrush anymore. She is too much....like me.....for us to date.

I am getting ignored by some person I hooked up with who said they liked me and paid for breakfast...good to see my ability to have one night stands has not diminished in the LGBT world. Horray!

Tonight I am going to Amy Lennon's to watch The L Word with her gf and some girl they want me to meet.

Fun?

Cleaned up after crazy party. Want to die.

I want to have every organ I have that's intact and usable to be donated. Hell, I'd be okay with them taking my eggs before I die to use. By the time I hit the crematorium I want to be hacked to bits for every usable scrap (that's morbid, eh?). I want to be cremated and I want my ashes scattered to fertilize a tree (maple) dedicated to me. 

 I have this way of making everything I think I believe stand on end, and I tend to like that about myself. I'm learning to accept it, and it makes me happy!

I went to Roseto's last night with a few people and I was really thinking about macking on this kind of femme-y girl and seeing where it went (she obviously liked me). We were all hanging out there, and all of a sudden I really was uninterested in her anymore, when compared to the stone butches (pardon the old term) and transmen! I was doing my flirting thing with a pretty butch girl and a transguy, both of whom I knew before that night. By the end of the night, I actually decided to focus on the transguy! It was rather epic.

I thought I swore off transguys, but they're so darn attractive. It's the masculinity with the softness and the confusing that is just so interesting. I don't think I'd go back to Trae (just because I'm interested in transmen doesn't mean I have to go back to the one I left), just because it wouldn't work out. I adore him with all my heart, but we're growing apart and I feel it, and it just wouldn't work out well. I now kind of laugh at myself for taking the title of "lesbian" so seriously.

I laugh when I take anything too seriously. Thank you Jae...lol.

Well, I have been a downright slacker these past few days...no classes for me! I am a rebel!!!

I broke up with Kathleen. Whilst high, I was saying something that really made sense once I was sober: Regardless if I like her or not, I shouldn't be sitting around waiting for her to call me or pay any attention to me. I am better than that. I am worth more than that. Apparently she is having "the worst day ever" because of it, so I may just shoot her a message to see if she's okay. Cause I'm nice like dat.

I am going to Rosetto's tonight with Kara and Lilo and Jazz, and we're going to see Dill and Werstler there performing! I am so tuckered out, but I slept until 3:30...maybe too much sleep?

I miss actually caring about school.

I have a cruuuuush on a laddddddy!!!!

I need a back rub!

Well I met all my teachers and here's what I think about the classes:

Deviant Behavior - Keto is the man. Although he goes off on tangents, and we're going to study homosexuality as deviant behavior (which irks me). I love reading the book though...that's nerdy.

Principles of Biological Anthropology - Reeves is hilarious but goes off on tangents as well. He spent well over an hour talking about how stupid people who didn't believe in evolution were. It's also the exact format of Human Evolution. At leas I'll get an A.

Law and Society - I have this with my advisor Linda Markley. She's super nice, but we have to do reports at least 5 times. This wouldn't be a problem, but it's an opinion thing, and the one guy from The Stater who said it was God's will to pass Prop 8 is in there. I will have to bite my tongue until it bleeds.

Introduction to Justice Studies - Brewer is nice, but kind of geeky. Also kind of "I try to be cool but I'm not really". I don't think the class will be bad, but it will be slow at times.

French - I have French with Jackie Sempore who I worked with over the summer. I hope that will be helpful. Hopefully I won't fail it again.

In other news!
I'm going down to Columbus this weekend to go to a party with Kathleen, my new girlfriend! I can't wait! I'm going to meet more of her friends. She makes me really happy. I know I'm gushing, but I'm sorry. My friend Nick is coming to pick me up tomorrow and we're going to hang out.

I hate waking up at 8, but I've been doing it well.

And the wheels on the bus go round and round. I love how when things are going amazingly well, they all plummet, and then they get so much better. I guess that's why I never have been clinically depressed, because I love to see the cycle of the bad vs. the good. I know that when it gets bad, all I have to do is be proactive to make it better.

Well Trae and I are getting along swimmingly. It's really nice that we both have an understand and we're both mature about this. He's moving all of his stuff into the other room (thank god we have two bedrooms, I don't know what we would have done for 6 more months). I do still love him dearly, and I'm glad we can still be good friends who talk about everything. He's so supportive and I adore that. I hope to be as supportive as he is to me.

Hm, well I have a new ladyfriend, her name is Kathleen. I actually met her on OkCupid, which made me feel sketchy. I think I deleted the account dishing the tragedy of a date that occured with a girl from OkCupid. Lets just say she told me she wanted to lock me in her basement. Ug. Well Kathleen was a girl I was actually interested in the first time I had an OkCupid, but she didn't respond to my message because she was dating her ex Erin at the time. Anywho, she actually is the best friend of a girl I used to be in a dorm with (Melissa), so I had a nice buffer to make sure she wasn't insane. Actually Melissa was going to try and hook us up, but I was dating Trae at the time. Small world.
Actually she's wonderful, I went down to Kenyon last weekend and she made me fondue and we stayed up watching the Big Gay Sketch Show. We hung out with her friends, and they are all really nice. She is coming up this weekend on Saturday, so if you all want to come meet her, I am planning a get together. With booze...lots of booze!

Well now I must tell you the "bad things": One of my best guy friends loves me. LOVES me. He said the L word, and we're not talking about Katherine Moenning fucking a lot of chicks. It was so awkward. I adore him, I love him in the friend sence, but it's not going to work. If I have issues dating Trae as a guy, dating him is even worse. Oh, and I got fired for calling off too many times. Admittedly that's completely my fault, but I just wish she would have just not rehired me, so that way I at least can get a job at the student center again. Oh, and my money didn't go though for my tuition. I had to reschedule all classes. Barf.

Well this week has been kind of boring, but only two days until Kathleen comes up! Yay!

Oh, and we need to take Casper to the vet. His snot is bothering me.

Maybe it would help if I said exactly in what context the original post came from. I wasn't trying to go on a tirade of "I'm so special I'm a lesbian", but perhaps it would come off that way if it wasn't taken in context.
I was reading a blog about Lindsay Lohan telling people she didn't break up with her gf Sam. That's not really the issue, though. I was looking at the comments of the people who were writing and (most of the time men) were saying that she was so hot, she could get any man she wanted. They were saying that she just needs to "find the right man" and that infuriated me. I had to yell to someone about it, so I thought I'd write an LJ entry about it. I never feel like being a lesbian is this special birthright, and maybe what came off as arrogant was really meant as exasperated.
*note to self: typing is not a good display of emotion*

I am sorry I guess for labeling myself as anything and becoming proud of it on occasion. It isn't just on livejournal that people tend to attack whenever I even call myself that dreaded "L Word". Obviously the way I wish to be gay and live my life is misinformed and in a few years I'll just fade into the background and not be a proud out lesbian anymore.

But that doesn't sound like me.

I am proud to be whatever labels I am because it took me a helluva long time to find those labels. Some people just stumbled upon their labels, not making them out to be anything special. However it took me a lot of soul searching and an occasional night of crying until 5am for me to be who I am. Maybe that's why I care about what I label myself. Maybe that's why I won't stop calling myself one. I am visible. I couldn't care less if it "gets me in trouble", but I'm sure a lot of people would be more comfortable if I just got a girlfriend quietly and lived my life...but I wouldn't be like that even if I was straight. I don't live to make the majority comfortable...or the minority for that matter. I live to make myself comfortable. And I find it insulting that anyone would tell me that me personal truths are faulty.

I use LJ as an outlet to write, not a place to be corrected on how I view myself.

Occasionally I need to state things that are so obvious, because somewhere I know there is some pinhead who doesn't grasp this concept:

I am not a lesbian because I cannot get a man. I am not a lesbian because I cannot find the "right" man. I am not a lesbian because I want to be deviant. I am not a lesbian because I'm afraid of men. I am not a lesbian because I want to be a man.

At this very moment in time: 4:29pm, Tuesday, January 6th I know at LEAST 3 guys who would date me at the drop of a hat. Not to mention the ones I don't even know who want to simply "do" me. I have found the "right" man, he just also happened to BE a man, which made him the "right" man, but the "wrong" person. If I wanted to be deviant, I could do that being straight (with one hand tied behind my back.......well, both hands tied behind my back and a ball gag, but that's a different story). I am not afraid of men. In fact, I would much rather date men because they are both sane and logical most of the time whereas women tend to fail in that department. But I don't. I also don't want to be a man, heavens no, I like my vajayjay and boobs and life and softness and curves probably more than any person who could date me.

Sorry for all this...it sprang from reading (of all things) Lindsay Lohan's response that her and Sam broke up. I was reading the comments underneath and they made me infuriated.

In the same way I get infuriated when someone bisexual calls themselves "half gay". No...you're not "half gay", you're bisexual. It's a completely separate and just as unique and special thing, but it's not "half gay". *sigh* Being gay, as being straight, is a preference of genitalia and sex (sometimes gender) of the partner they choose. Bisexual breaks that wall, which I think is very different and sometimes I wish I could do it. Not to mention that all the bisexual people I know are actually pansexual, which breaks down more walls than bisexual. All I'm saying is don't try to claim something that isn't relevant...be a unique individual and understand that bisexual is more than "half gay". We are all under a nice little LGBT umbrella, but we're all individuals with different struggles and different biases. We should all help each other, but lets not take anything from anyone else by elbowing our way into what is theirs.

Well, first off my cat is extraordinarily dumb when it comes to learning lessons. But he's oh so cute and cuddly! *swoony*

Secondly, as you may all know, Trae and I broke up. It was mutual. It hurts like someone stabbed me in my eyes a la Oedipus, but it was for the best and long term. We just  kept postponing it because we both didn't want to. I still love him, I just know it wouldn't have worked out forever. We always tend to fail at the "platonic relationship", however. Meh, we'll work on it.

I know I still have him as a friend and side-kick, but I am dreading the fall out between our mutual friends. I always end up looking the bitch, even if I haven't really done anything. Maybe it's just a talent of mine. I always love and dread to see the sides people choose...who is really a friend and who isn't. And who was only a friend of mine because I was with Trae, vice versa. But then again, pessimism is my middle name. I love all my friends, and you know who you are...

And thirdly, Trae and I are still living together and we're fine with it currently. In fact, we've been talking about getting a house with some mutual friends next semester (with separate rooms), but we'll see how that goes. I may be looking into doing RA things. Probably not though. Egads, Dec 2008/Jan 2009 seems to be the months of teh epic breakups. At least it's not February.

I cannot wait for school/work to start again. Something to DO.

Well I am a bit embarrassed at the lack of writing I have been doing, but I'll catch you up in the best way I know how, BULLET POINTS!

• I have my schedule for next semester. I am taking Deviant Behavior and Issues with Law and Society (both at 9:15). I am taking Introduction to Justice Studies and Principles of Bio Anthro (both at 11:00). I am also taking Intermediate French I (again) at 1:00.
• I have been asked many time what sex between two females is...and I heard for Ally that sex is whatever you want it to be. I agree with that, but I also think that it can be narrowed down to whether or not you're trying to give the other girl an orgasm. I think whether or not clothes are on or off is also a factor, but a quick in straight terms doesn't involve clothes off either. I also think intentions are another factor. Any thoughts?
• Trae and I have also opened up our relationship. We didn't break up, as we are still dating, but we are also able to date other people. Before I get a plethora of berating, let me tell you we have very strict rules of conduct. I find most open relationships never work because people just say, "Yep, you can fuck whoever you want", and then the person goes out like they're single and emotionally cheats on them as well, etc. I won't put them up here, but if you're interested you can ask me. I consulted a helluvalot of websites and books to get this list and I'm actually quite proud of it. I add and subtract from it all the time, and we're going to finalize it soon.
• We just had Christmas and my brother's graduation party within the past three days. I'm people-d out. I am happily sitting naked in my room on my computer. The small joys of an INTJ.
• I hung out with my friend Justin on the 23rd and we smoked a bit and watched Muppet Treasure Island and Liar Liar. Good times. He's a nice guy, if I was into guys.
• Last night (the 27th) I went to Wall Street, a lesbian bar, with my friend Amanda and a few of her friends. Let me tell you how small the world gets. The door guy was a kid I went to camp with in 8th grade, Chase. We met eachother for one week and had a crush on eachother...we're both gay now. I was hanging out in front with him and this kid Brian from my musical theater plays was there with his boyfriend. I was dancing with all these people, and this one girl, Lenora, really thought I was hot for some reason. Her boyfriend was there, but they're both in open relationships as well, and so she was kissing on me. Now...I'm not just saying this to brag, here's where it gets interesting: she dated one of my best friends in high school, who actually goes to Hiram College and still is a good friend of mine. Eerie. I went to Amanda's house afterwards and we watched Queen of the Damned and got drunk. Fun times. The odd part about her is that she's actually my little brother's ex girlfriend (and she says I'm a better kisser than him).
• That's about it. Going back to work soon...*yawn*. Can't wait to see some of the "crew" though. I miss the people I work with more than the work itself...but understandable considering I work at housekeeping (it real).

Three weeks, to be exact. I just haven't felt in the mood to write anything until I was sure of what I wanted to say.

My little brother, who I'm slightly estranged with, is picking me up with my mom on Weds at 4pm. I'm not quite sure of how I feel about this. He's actually graduating high school, which is more than I expected to be honest. My mom and dad are not entirely sure as to what he's going to do after he graduates, but I'm hoping it's not as stupid as him wanting to live in a car in a hobo camp. *sigh*

I cannot wait until Thanksgiving. It's my fave holiday by far. A day centered around eating. I'm sad because my godparents are not going to be there because the other side of the family is coming to their house. I also get to brag a bit because Obama won, and my grandpa is taking it kind of hard.

I also am going to tell you all something I have decided on. I took about a month to myself to think about it, and then I talked to Trae and my parents about it, and now I'm going to tell you all about it. I am thinking about dropping my Anthro major, and making it into an Anthro minor. I am going to change it to a Justice Studies major, and I will be persuing a job in police work. I eventually want to do detective work. The bitch who was the adviser I talked to about this didn't let me change my major because she wanted me to be sure. I agree, but she was very snide about it. I said "I really want to do detective work, for homicide or possibly human trafficking." She came back with "I bet I can guess your favorite TV shows". I almost wanted to tell her "My favorite show is House MD, but I don't want to be a doctor, now do I?"

Being a police officer was a dream of mine when I was little, but I wrote it off as just that. Just like I did with being a firefighter, a princess, a wedding planner, an air force pilot, a ninja, an interior designer, an opera singer, and a musician. But then I started thinking about it: I really CAN be a police officer. Not to mention that because I have a college degree I can move up faster. I also want to be a reasonable cop. Not just someone who likes to proverbially "flex their muscles" and be an ass. I also will make sure that there is not mistreatment of minorities (racially or LGBT, etc). As much as I can, anyways. I want to be able to help people, to make a difference, and have a job where no two days are the same.

I also just got an award yesterday at the Transgender Day of Rememberance celebration in Cleveland: Supportive Partner of the Year. I feel very special. It was decided online in a poll and neither Trae (who got College Activist of the Year) nor I knew about it. The funny thing was that I was joking across the table to Trae that the next award would be for me, and then it was! It was a sad night and a happy night all at once. It was fun to go with Sarah and Trae. We have a lot of fun together.

I am also doing rather well in my classes, except for French. I am hoping just to PASS it. *sigh*

Another boring night at housekeeping...